Saturday, July 30, 2005

End Zone World: High School Mascots

High schools are generally clueless about choosing mascots. They could choose based on a sense of fun and whimsy; or a historical aspect of a geographic area; or a school + mascot wordplay which is fun to say aloud. Instead, high schools often cede mascot choices to the students.

In theory, this is egalitarian. In reality, this often devolves into the dominant group of girls organizing, cajoling, and bullying fellow students into voting for whatever mascot the dominant group of girls considers the "cutest." One should avoid letting teenaged girls control a process. Case in point: Grandview(Texas) High School, i.e.

the Grandview Zebras

Grandview is located on a hot and grassy prairie - but that's where the logic of this mascot choice ends. A zebra is a prey animal. When you think of a zebra, it is going down and dying in a panic, i.e. a Lion or a Cheetah is taking it down with a chomp on the neck; a group of alligators is ripping a zebra apart - same with a pack of hyena. Who wants to be a zebra?! Other possibilities for Grandview:

  • Gators
  • Gamebirds
  • Gorillas
  • Guatemalans

and my favorites:

  • Grandview Grasshoppers
  • Grandview Gravity
  • Grandview Gravy - I once made up some cheerleader cheers* for the Grandview Gravy, whose mascot would be named "Lumpy."

The real purpose of this post is to consider the Tuttle (Oklahoma) Tigers, as I encountered a Tuttle Tiger at Cabella's last week. Nice nickname. Not overly cute. Fierce. Alliterative. But not good enough, reason being that "Tuttle" is such a spectacular name - a gift from the Mascot Gods.

"To whom much is given, much is expected." - Book of Matthew

When you're working with fabulous material, like "Tuttle," you don't want to mold a simple ashtray. Its a waste, and a kind of affront. Consider the memorable possibilities:

  • Tuttle Turtles
  • Tuttle Toddles - these would be weeblo-like mascots: "they wobble but they don't fall down." Students would don colored sumo suits on the sidelines. I think these would be undefeated mascots. No rival student, in a lion or tiger costume, could defeat a Tuttle Toddle in sideline combat. The gymnasium would be "The Toddle House."
  • Tuttle Tittles - these would be laughing creatures with expressive faces
  • Tuttle Tattles - good cheer-taunt possibilities: "Don't do wrong..." School Newspaper: "The Tattler."
  • Tuttle Puddles**
  • Tuttle Muddles - "Muddle through, boys!"
  • Tuttle Bubbles - children's bubble-blowers in the stands!

Even if you're allergic to whimsy, the point is:

How could you pass on Tuttle Turtles!?

Its natural, its memorable, and its catchy. Turtles would've been embraced by the entire town of Tuttle. You'd have turtle statues all over Tuttle; turtle figurines; climbable turtles in playgrounds; shoe-polish turtles in store windows. Tuttle would've reacted similar to Hutto, Texas, where beloved, smiling Hutto Hippos have come to represent the entire town.

In End Zone World(EZ World), it would be Tuttle Turtles.


I've also got a beef with the Buda (Texas) Eagles, who obviously should be:

the Buda Bellies

Another example of school officials shunning creative genius in favor of mundane mediocrity. Such a pity.


*Three cheerleader cheers for the Grandview Gravy:

1) Meat gravy
Cream gravy
Natural gravy too,
We're gonna ladle gravy
All over you.

2) You guys are so wimpy
You're gonna get a loss,
You guys are so wimpy
You must be a sauce.

3) Grease em
Give them gas,
Cream em
Soak em
Saturate their...quarterback.

One cheerleader cheer for the Grandview Gravity:

Think you're high and mighty?
Think you're pretty tall?
Here comes Gravity,
You're gonna take a fall.

Note: As mascots go, the Robinson (Texas) Rockets are well designed to defeat the Grandview Gravity. And vice verse, actually. Outstanding mascot matchup, if only.

**One cheerleader cheer for the Tuttle Puddles(this cheer recommended for girls' sporting events):

Manolo Blahnick, Jimmy Choo,
Espedrilles, spike heels, sandals too,
Luscious suede beauties you wear to a fete,
You can’t avoid the Puddles so they’re gonna get wet!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Humor Break: Ode to IMAO

I wish I knew what IMAO meant. Maybe it means "It's Frank J's world":

Affirmative Action
Whose dumb idea was this? The solution to racism is to ingrain racism into our laws and hiring practices? Some may say you should fight fire with fire, but, if my house were ablaze and the firemen showed up with flamethrowers, I'd be like, "Hey! Don't fight fire with fire!" That why I'm 'gainst affirmative action.

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
To start off, I don’t know much about the Middle East. I don’t know who is an arab and who is technically not an arab, how much killing the Koran actually condones, or even what continent the Middle East is on. I mean, it’s wedged right in there between Europe, Africa, and Asia, so which one is it? What I do know is that it’s really hard to sympathize with the Palestinians. Maybe if once I read off the AP “Today, a group of Palestinian thugs grabbed a man they thought to be plotting a suicide bombing of an Israeli daycare and beat him severely for eight hours straight. France has already denounced it as one of the worst acts of violence they have ever witnessed.” then I’d be like, “Hey, those Palestinians are pretty cool. Maybe the Israelis should be nicer to them.” Instead I’m always hearing things like “A bomb has gone off in a crowded marketplace in Israel. Reports are still sketchy on the dead and injured, but we already have video of the Palestinians celebrating by jumping up and down and screeching like deranged howler monkeys.” and I’m like, “I hate the Palestinians. Why haven’t the Israelis killed them all yet? Don’t they have some sort of Zionist conspiracy to deal with these ‘people?’”

Random Ninja Attacks
Nothing ruins a quiet stroll through the countryside quite like being jumped by a group of ninjas. It’s a common complaint, and the problem is only getting worse. Yet, the solutions offered are just more of the same. Build taller fences they say, but we all know how adept ninjas are at climbing. They propose putting more townspeople on ninja watch, but the whole point of a ninja is to sneak by unseen. Sometimes hiring wandering ronin to attack the ninjas’ headquarters has worked as a temporary solution, but the ninjas always regroup and the ronin are expensive and not always trustworthy. Frankly, how good could a samurai be if his master is dead? I say the only real solution is to make the death touch available to the people. When the common man is able to cause someone’s heart to explode by striking certain pressure points, then they will be able to defend themselves from vicious ninjas. There are many who oppose this, but, when the death touch is outlawed, only outlaws will use the death touch. And that leaves no one safe.

Big Government
Government is evil. It’s a necessary evil, but it’s still evil. Its job is to be big and powerful and push people around. It’s sorry thing we need it, but, hey, them’s the breaks. So, the idea is to be as careful as possible when applying it. You should be as hesitant to use the government to achieve something as you would be burning down an orphanage to achieve something. But people don’t get it, always whining to government to fix every problem instead of getting off their own duffs even though government can often make things worse. Look at this way, the government is like Godzilla: it’s most adept as smashing and breaking things, but if it tries to help an individual person, it’s more likely to crush him accidentally than anything else. So that’s why I’m ‘gainst big government.

Slave Reparations
Slavery in America was a horrible crime against humanity, and the governments support of it is more than inexcusable. I say, rather than that forty acres and a mule crap, give every surviving former slave $10 million dollars so he or she can get a condo and a porsche. And, since slavery was such a horrible thing, I think there should also be some reparations for the children of slaves who were never slaves themselves. They should all get free residence in a nursing home, if any are still alive. As for all other descendants, they can get an "I sought reparations for slavery and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt for the apologetic price of just $12.00. Act now, because these reparations won't last forever!

I’m just kidding ya. I’m ‘gainst reparations. T-shirts are full price.