Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Sarah Palin, husband rumored to be planning to have sex -- with each other!

Robert Stacy McCain:
Anyway, Mrs. Palin, while I have no previous experience in making stuff up the way Dennis Zaki does, I would consider attempting it, if only I had some of those “sources” like the progressive bloggers do.


Now, here’s my idea: I told my source to give my phone number to . . . uh, two sources in Wasilla, Alaska, if you get my drift. Because I’ve made my living as a professional journalist since 1986, I’m not really so good at this newfangled making-stuff-up business, but I’d be willing to give it a try:
MONDAY, AUG. 3, 2009, 4:34 P.M. – Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and husband Todd “went at it like crazy” Sunday evening at their home in Wasilla, according to one source familiar with the couple’s rendezvous.

“Man, I don’t know what got into her last night,” said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. No, wait, maybe that time we went camping back in . . . ‘96. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was ‘96, but it might have been ‘97. Anyway, the thing is, it was awesome.”

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton refused to comment on the allegation.

UPDATE 6:17 P.M. – I now have further confirmation of the previously reported romantic encounter between the Palins, although one of my best sources disputes key details of our earlier account.

“Me? He said it was me?” said the source. “Oh, no way, it was totally him. You betcha. All I did was put on an old Rod Stewart CD while I was cooking the fish we caught last weekend, and next thing ya know, he’s singin’ along about ‘tonight’s the night’ and stuff. Of course, he can’t sing worth a darn, but he doesn’t know that.”

According to this source, Todd Palin “came up behind” the former governor, put his arms around her and began kissing her neck “all sweet-like” which caused the 2008 Republican vice-presidential candidate to laugh.

“Like I don’t know what you’re up to, Mister,” Mrs. Palin reportedly said.

Todd Palin was obviously seeking to make amends for previous neglect, according to this source. A four-time Tesoro Iron Dog snow-race champion, the governor’s husband “was trying to make up for lost time, I guess, because . . . well, he sure as heck wasn’t complaining, I can tell you that. You betcha.”

Asked about the apparent discepancy with Hot Air’s original report, the first source confirmed these new details.

“Whatever, man,” the first source said. “All I’m saying is, well, he shoots, he scores, right? Standing ovation, you might say.”

Further developments in the new scandal will be reported as details become available.

UPDATE 7:42 P.M.:– Still more confirmation from a new source.

“Ewwwww, gross,” said someone familiar with Sunday evening’s events. “Like, it’s bad enough when you can hear ‘em in there, like I don’t know, OK? I just turned up my iPod and was like, whatever.”

While only indirectly confirming the controversial encounter between Mrs. Palin and the man the former governor still calls “First Dude,” this new source revealed a potentially intriguing angle involving Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance Levi Johnston.

Characterizing Johnston as a “total loser,” this source suggested it is extremely unlikely the father of Bristol’s infant son will ever “get his crap together.”

“Oh, puh-leeze! You’re talking ‘Ricky Hollywood,’ OK? I was like, ‘What’s up with that?’ . . . He’s supposed to be doing some kind of reality TV thing, and I’m like, right. They need to call it ‘America’s Biggest Jerk,’ ya know?”

Also confirmed was that the reported breach between Bristol and Johnston is “definitely” permanent. “Not in a million flippin’ years,” said the source, adding that Johnston had not “bought the first flippin’ diaper” for their son, Tripp.

Hot Air will continue to provide exclusive coverage of these controversies, including rumors that the Palins’ 14-year-old daughter Willow thinks pop musician Joe Jonas is “totally to die for.”


Gunner Sykes said...

Beautifully done. Kudos.

gcotharn said...

Welcome, Mr. Sykes.

I want to make sure you do not think I wrote the piece. Robert Stacy McCain wrote it, and I agree it is well done. Humor is difficult. He pulled it off.