Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Bloggess: Does spreadsheets for a living and says f@#$ a lot

and lives in Houston. What's not to love? link:
So I dressed up in my ‘post-coital Maude’ outfit, which is basically a red wig and a bed sheet held up by one strained safety pin and I walked out of my house intent on joining the horde of people dressed in viking clothes, bowling pin hats and bikinis. It was at this point that I remembered there were a dozen construction workers standing outside my house who had seen me naked just 48 hours before.
I walked in and saw that it was just five of us and fucking no one was wearing costumes. You know that dream where you’re naked at school and no one else is naked at school? It’s like that but replace “naked” with “wearing a bedsheet” and “at school” with “on national television”.

So basically it was me, two people in normal clothes and two people in bowling shirts who could have gone into any Starbucks in America without getting a second look. Then Jason handed me the latest copy of Barstool Magazine in which I was mentioned as “a certain bloggess whose vagina I know way too much about”. It was at that moment, reading a glossy magazine about my vagina and dressed in a bed sheet poised to go on live television, that realized I had lost control of my life. Somewhere in between becoming a sweet mommyblogger and this exact moment a series of bizarre choices had landed me in this psychotic life and I had no other choice but to run with it. Someone handed me a badge which said I needed to be escorted by an employee at all times. Clearly these people had heard about me.
Twitter stream:
http://thebloggess.com/?p=1130 If Jesus cared what you were going to do with semen he would have mentioned it in the Constitution.

So my coworker is all "I don't even know where to begin on correcting you on that last twitter" 8:39 AM Jan 15th from web

Apparently I said Jesus wrote "the Constitution" when I meant that he wrote "the Commandments" 8:40 AM Jan 15th from web

And then it turns out Jesus didn't even write the Commandments?! 8:40 AM Jan 15th from web

And I'm all "The hell he didn't!" 8:40 AM Jan 15th from web

My coworker :Why don't you look it up? It's all probably all outlined in the Bill of Rights. 8:41 AM Jan 15th from web

He's kind of an asshole. 8:41 AM Jan 15th from web

No! Jesus is not an asshole. Jesus is awesome. I love his wine trick. Fuck. 8:47 AM Jan 15th from web
One more blog excerpt, from a Quaker Oats Blogging Party on Inauguration Day which was covered by Fox News, then CBS, then NYT: Obama Fever = better than Dengue Fever, not quite as good as Boogie Fever
The news guy was just about to interview me at 8am and I mentioned that my granny is all “I wish Jenny would just blog about kittens and not about killing them” and then the news guy is all “Huh. So…maybe time to up the medications?” and I’m all “Oh, I’m already mixing a bunch of medications” and he’s all “Oh. Usually people are just kidding about that” and then like two minutes later he’s like “You know…maybe we’ll interview the religion blogger instead”. It’s probably a good choice.

UPDATE - 7am: Me: “The last time I was on fox news I was naked wearing only a bed sheet.” News guy : “I’m sorry, what?”. Me: “Are you sure you don’t want me to talk? Because I have a lot to say about this inauguration shit.” Him: “Pretty sure..pretty sure.”
UPDATE - 8:55am: Laura just arrived with booze. Mood: Less pissed off.

UPDATE - 9:30am : The oatmeal is here. Fucking finally. Apparently we have an oatmeal caterer and he’s pouring us all champagne. Also something is important happening with Obama today. I’m like the best political pundit ever.

UPDATE - 11:00 : CBS is here. My laptop has crashed. I blame Bush.
UPDATE (I don’t know what time it is) - The news did not use any part of my interview. Also, the inauguration has just ended and already the backlash and political infighting has begun. What was it Obama said about this kind of aggression? That we will extend our hand to you if you will just unclench your damn fist, and then we will kick you in the groin while you’re still looking at our hand? That’s what I heard.
And a couple more Tweets:
If MLK told me "I have a dream..." I'd have been "Was it that one where all your clothes have turned into ferrets and you're late for work?"
And then he'd get all distracted and forget what his dream really was. It's probably a good thing I was never part of his posse.


Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Dude. You're totally making me all blushy. Also, it's not even 7am and already I'm at work doing spreadsheets.

Except for when I'm playing on the internet.

Our secret.

gcotharn said...

Hi Jenny! It's good to be blushy on a Tuesday.